


Lord of the Rings: the Sequel: the Musical!

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Fellowship of the Ring, Humor, Post-War of the Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2005-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:58:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3743340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act One, Scene One

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

THE LORD OF THE RINGS:  
THE SEQUEL:  
THE MUSICAL!!!!!

~this production is NOT authorized by anyone even remotely connected to the estate of JRR Tolkien and/or New Line Cinema~

~in other words, this production is illegal~

ACT ONE  
Scene 1: In Which The Prologue Is Addressed

BAG END. A hobbit is sitting in a chair, his head bowed as he writes in a red book. He writes  
and he writes  
and he writes some more while that funny little happy hobbit music plays softly in the background. Finally, SAM enters. He goes to speak to the boring, writing hobbit.

SAM  
Uhh…Mr Frodo?

FRODO looks up.

FRODO  
Not now, Sam, please! I’m busy!

SAM  
But…

FRODO (explaining)  
I’m in the middle of a very important part of the story, and I really can’t be disturbed…

SAM  
So what am I supposed to tell all the people?

FRODO  
All what people?

SAM points at audience/camera(is this a play or a movie?). FRODO looks surprised.

FRODO (handing book to SAM)  
Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were there. Hello, my name is Frodo Baggins.

SAM  
And I’m Sam.

FRODO  
And he’s Sam.

SAM grumbles a little.

FRODO (to audience)  
I’m really quite glad you dropped by. You’ll have to pardon me, but I was in a very important part of my book. The part where Sauron had been defeated, but Gondor still almost didn’t have a king. You know, that part.

SAM  
Uh, no, Mr Frodo, they don’t. That’s why they’re here, to hear it.

FRODO  
They don’t? (To audience) You don’t? Well then, I’ll just have to tell you!

SAM  
That’s what I just said…

FRODO (taking book back from SAM)  
Whatever, Sam. (To audience) It all began mere days before the coronation of the king, Aragorn.

SAM  
I thought his name was Strider.

FRODO  
He’s got about twenty names, Sam. Am I telling this or are you? Anyway, our story begins on a field of tents outside of Minas Tirith, capital of the kingdom of Gondor…

“PARODY TONIGHT”  
(tune: “Comedy Tonight” from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum)

FRODO  
Many things, as I’m sure you know, have been said of the fair realm of Gondor; some quality, some parody. Tonight I am pleased to announce a parody! We shall do everything we can to look as stupid as possible, if that should please you.

FRODO: (sings) Something amusing,  
Something confusing,  
Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!  
Something intriguing,  
Something fatiguing,  
Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!  
Nothing with quests; nothing with rings,  
We’ve gotten sick of that sort of thing…  
Braided hairstyles,  
Torture, nail files,  
This ain’t what Tolkien would write…  
Quality tomorrow, parody tonight!

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and ELROND appear out of nowhere. ARAGORN kneels.

ARAGORN (speaking)  
If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.

LEGOLAS  
And you have my bow.

GIMLI  
And my axe!

ELROND  
So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!

FRODO  
Quality TOMORROW, parody TONIGHT!!!!!

FRODO (Resumes singing): Something that’s selfish,  
Something that’s elfish,  
Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!  
Doers and thinkers,  
Phony headshrinkers,  
Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!  
No talking trees; no rescue chase,  
While you’re with us your time we shall waste…  
Nothing that’s solemn,  
Nothing with Gollum,  
We’ll try our best to keep it light…  
Quality tomorrow…

MERRY, SAM, and PIPPIN (popping out of nowhere): Parody tonight!

PIPPIN: Something that fidgets

MERRY: Something that’s midget

SAM: Something for everyone…

MERRY, SAM, PIPPIN: A parody tonight!

LEGOLAS: Something aesthetic

GIMLI (gesturing towards LEGOLAS): Something pathetic

LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Something for everyone

ALL: A parody tonight!

ARAGORN: Here is our king, he has no crown;  
This will be causing mayhem in town!

FARAMIR: Liars and lovers,  
Pushers and shovers

ÉOWYN: And women ready for a fight…

ALL: Open up the curtain!… (Curtain opens)  
Parody tonight!

FRODO  
Our story takes place in various and sundry locales, and deals mainly with three groups of people. First, Aragorn, the future king of Gondor, and his loyal friends, Legolas the elf and Gimli the dwarf. We couldn’t get ahold of Orlando Bloom, so you can all go home now, girls…  
Second! The Lord Faramir and the Lady Éowyn, our more romantic group of characters. That’s for whatever girls are left in the audience…  
And finally, aside from King Éomer of Rohan and Gandalf the White, we have the four hobbits, people of small stature but large hearts. The hobbits are probably my favorite characters in the piece- selfless, heroic gentlemen, and so good-looking that, well, let me put it this way---  
I’m a hobbit!!!  
(Sings) Anything you ask for, parody tonight!  
(Speaking) And now…the entire company!!!!

ALL: Something amusing,  
Something confusing,  
Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!

GANDALF: Something that’s magic

ÉOMER: Nothing that’s tragic

ALL: Something for everyone:  
A parody tonight!

IORETH: One little fight

HERBMASTER: One little war

FRODO: We’ve had enough and we don’t want more…

ALL: Everyone’s crazy  
No one is lazy  
We could go on and on all night…

MERRY, LEGOLAS: Elven lore and charades!

PIPPIN, GIMLI: Dwarven war and parades!

GANDALF, ÉOMER: Magicians and horse lords!

ARAGORN, FARAMIR: Kings to be and stewards!

ÉOMER, ARAGORN: Royalty!

LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Sworn loyalty!

FARAMIR, MERRY: Sincerity!

ÉOWYN, PIPPIN: Disparity!

ALL HOBBITS: Hobbits!

ÉOMER, GANDALF, FARAMIR, ÉOWYN: Twits!

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ELROND: Dorks!

IORETH, HERBMASTER, HERALD, ORC CAPTAIN: Orcs!

ALL: Schemers!  
Dreamers!  
Seemers!  
Deemers!  
We start out cursed; then it gets worse,  
But a happy ending, of course!  
Gondor and Rohan,  
Run while you still can,  
If you don’t like it, that’s all right…  
Quality tomorrow…

FRODO: Parody!

SAM: Parody?

ALL: Parody Tonight!!!!!

FRODO  
One…two…three!!!!

END MUSICAL NUMBER


	2. Act One, Scene Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 2: In Which We Meet Aragorn And His One-Elf Fan Club

FIELD. ARAGORN is sitting with his head between his hands. He sighs. LEGOLAS skips up with GIMLI clomping along behind him.

LEGOLAS (brandishing a calendar)  
Look, Aragorn! Look! (Takes out a fluffy pink quill and ticks off a day) Look how few days are left till you’re king of Gondor! (Hands quill to GIMLI, who is obviously disgusted by it and holds it gingerly between two fingers) See, today is April 29th, which makes tomorrow April 30th, and then…

ARAGORN  
On May 1st I get crowned, I know! I know! You’ve told me for the past month that my coronation is on the 1st! I know!!!!!!!!

LEGOLAS whimpers.

ARAGORN  
Strange that you’re so excited, anyway…(Turns his back on LEGOLAS and GIMLI)

LEGOLAS  
Aragorn, is something wrong?

ARAGORN  
No.

GIMLI  
Nonsense. You blow us off completely and nothing is wrong? Absolute nonsense. What’s the matter?

ARAGORN  
Nothing. Nothing is wrong. The people of Gondor will have a king again in two days…he’s never studied politics, never dealt with economics, never learned how to rule, but none of that matters because he’s handy with a sword. No, my friends, nothing is wrong. In fact- - -(smiles) - - -I’m excited! In two days I will fulfill what I was born to do! What could possibly go wrong?

GIMLI  
You’re scared, aren’t you, laddie.

ARAGORN (Suddenly stops smiling)  
YEEEEESSSSSSSS…Yes, I’m terrified! I can lead men into battle, I can track across nearly any type of ground, I can heal, I can write poetry, but what do I know about taxes and tariffs and …and…king stuff? (Sits down again)

GIMLI  
“King stuff?”

LEGOLAS  
Actually, your poetry’s really not that good. But that doesn’t matter; you’ll be fine. You’re Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn the First, son of Arassuil, son of…

GIMLI  
Legolas?

LEGOLAS  
Yes?

GIMLI  
Shut up. Anyway, Aragorn, I think what the elf is trying to say is that you’re qualified for the job. It’s in your blood.

ARAGORN  
My forefathers have not actually been “king” for an age. Blood becomes diluted.

LEGOLAS  
But never disappears altogether. Do not trouble yourself. You’ll be the greatest king Gondor has ever had, greater even than Elendil! I know it just by looking at you. In your eyes is the wisdom and nobility of the line of Earendil. You cannot fail in anything you do! So cheer up! Smile! Laugh!

ARAGORN  
Legolas…you’re not helping.

LEGOLAS  
But I want to help. I want you to believe in yourself the way I believe in you. Because I do! Do you know what I think? I think…

“OH I JUST CAN’T WAIT TILL YOU’RE KING”  
(tune: “Oh I Just Can’t Wait to be King” from The Lion King)

LEGOLAS: You’re gonna be a mighty king  
So Orcs better beware

ARAGORN: Well I’ve never seen a king of Men  
With quite such slimy hair

LEGOLAS: You’re gonna be the main event  
Like no king was before

ARAGORN: When I cannot stand government?  
I’ll never rule Gondor!

GIMLI: Thus far a rather uninspiring thing

LEGOLAS: Oh I just can’t wait till you’re king!  
You’ll be wise and gentle

ARAGORN  
Now what I think is…

LEGOLAS: You’ll be kind yet resolute

ARAGORN  
If I become king…

LEGOLAS: You’ll be monumental

ARAGORN  
…monumental failure!

LEGOLAS: You’ll be really kinda cute!

ARAGORN  
Wait, what?

LEGOLAS: Filling hearts of Men with pride

ARAGORN  
Or making them laugh as I screw up…

LEGOLAS: I’ll be standing by your side!

ARAGORN: Would someone help me grab this elf  
And bring him back to earth?

LEGOLAS: Learn to love yourself,  
You underestimate your worth

GIMLI: I know you don’t think you can rule  
But just you wait and see  
See them praising, see them cheering you  
And all on bended knee!  
The elf and I agree on this one thing:

LEGOLAS: Oh I just can’t wait till you’re king!  
Everybody look near  
Everybody look far  
Everywhere you look they’re  
Looking at Elessar!

ARAGORN  
Not yet!

GIMLI: Now everybody jump up applauding  
You will be great in spite of everything  
No one can match you; you know you’re first-string

LEGOLAS: Oh I just can’t wait till you’re king!

GIMLI: Oh he just can’t wait till you’re king!

LEGOLAS: Oh I

LEGOLAS/GIMLI: just can’t wait…

LEGOLAS: Till you’re king!!!!!!!!!

END MUSICAL NUMBER

ARAGORN  
…Thank you for believing in me, Legolas, but I am afraid your vision of me is exaggerated. I cannot be king. I have accepted who I am and who my forefathers were, but that does not mean that I can handle the hassles. But thank you just the same. Hannon le.

ARAGORN and LEGOLAS do that shoulder-holding thing from TT and ROTK…you know, where Aragorn says, “There is nothing to forgive…”

LEGOLAS  
But…

A HERALD rushes onstage, then stops suddenly when he sees ARAGORN and LEGOLAS practically hugging. He stares weirdly for a bit, then musters up enough courage to speak.

HERALD  
Umm…Lord Aragorn? Elessar?

ARAGORN  
Yes?

HERALD  
Um, sorry if this is…a bad time for you, but King Éomer of Rohan wishes to speak to you. Right away.

ARAGORN  
Thank you. Please, let him know I’m coming. (Exit HERALD.) If you’ll excuse me…(Exit ARAGORN)

GIMLI (sighing)  
Well, we did our best.

LEGOLAS  
We? We? You hardly did anything at all!

GIMLI  
Me? If anything, you scared him away from the job even more. You and your stupid dependence on him!

LEGOLAS  
I…I am NOT dependent on Aragorn! My life’s my own; how dare you say such a thing! (Running after ARAGORN) Aragorn! Aragorn! Come back here and tell Gimli I’m not dependent on you! (Exit LEGOLAS)

GIMLI  
I rest my case. (Exit GIMLI)


	3. Act One, Scene Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 3: In Which A Girl Acts Like A Guy, As Opposed To The Previous Scene, In Which A Guy Acted Like A Girl

GONDOR TENT. FARAMIR is standing in a corner, holding a while lily. He appears to be talking to someone, but no one is there.

FARAMIR  
In all faith, by all the Valar, I love thee and would have thy hand…no, that’s stupid. Éowyn, White Lady of Rohan, you move me to feelings deep and…and…oh, that’s stupid too…Éowyn, oh Éowyn, wherefore art thou Éowyn? A warrior princess bold and proud…I cannot hope to woo thee with sweet words…so…uh…so…oh, it’s hopeless, I’ll never find the right words!

ÉOWYN (entering suddenly)  
For what?

FARAMIR  
Aah! (fumbling, hiding lily behind his back) Oh, um, for…for…nothing. How are you today, Éowyn? Nice weather we’re having…

ÉOWYN  
Whatever. I hadn’t noticed. (sees lily) What’s that you’ve got there?

FARAMIR  
Huh? Oh, this…it’s…it’s…Well, it’s a flower.

ÉOWYN  
Really. I never would’ve guessed. What’s it for?

FARAMIR  
For?

ÉOWYN  
Well, come on, you don’t just stand around holding flowers for nothing! What’s the flower for?

FARAMIR  
Actually…it’s for you, Éowyn. It reminded me of you, fair and beautiful. You…(deep breath)…you know I love you. You have led me to believe that you might love me too, so I got you a flower. I would’ve gotten you a dagger, but you said you renounced warfare…

ÉOWYN  
I…see.

FARAMIR  
…not that that’s a bad thing, of course, there’s nothing wrong with giving up fighting and hacking at stuff and wanting to, like, grow flowers instead…(ÉOWYN is getting angry) and…I said something wrong, didn’t I?

ÉOWYN  
So now you think I’m weak? That your “sweet” words can mold and shape me however you will? I no longer wish for valor and glory, Faramir, I do not want to be a queen, I do not want to be a shieldmaiden, but I also do not want to be a pliable, limp, helpless, (shoves flower back at him) lily-white and lily-livered little girl! If that’s who you think I am, well, then you are not who I thought you were. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Lord Faramir, high and mighty Steward of Gondor, I’m going to go visit my brother, who does not underestimate my strength!

Exit ÉOWYN in a rage. FARAMIR is dazed, shocked, and very very confused.

FARAMIR  
Wha…where did that come from? Éowyn, Éowyn, come back! You don’t understand! I wasn’t implying that…oh, I give up. Why can’t I ever have a normal relationship with someone? (starts plucking petals off the lily) She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me…(plucks last petal)…she loves me not.

FARAMIR screams in frustration. IORETH and HERBMASTER rush in.

IORETH  
Master Faramir! Are you wounded?

FARAMIR  
In spirit only, good wisewoman Ioreth. I am in no physical pain, but my heart screams for remedy. The Lady Éowyn loves me not.

HERBMASTER  
As it is said by the scholars of the City, “The course of true love never did run smooth.” (aside, to audience) Actually, I made that up myself.

IORETH  
If you ask me, she’s no prize. Pretty, sure, but cold. As I was saying to Mithrandir the other day…

FARAMIR  
But she is a prize! An unattainable prize! No words can describe her!

IORETH  
Funny. I can think of a lot…

 

 

“HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE ÉOWYN?”  
(tune: “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?” from The Sound of Music)

IORETH: She uses swords  
And brutal words

FARAMIR: But cries when she’s alone

HERBMASTER: She’s restless as a tumbleweed  
And stubborn as a stone

FARAMIR: But all that is a cover  
All she wants is to go home!

HERBMASTER, IORETH: Do you think you can make Éowyn happy?

IORETH: She sought honor and glory  
But instead found only pain

HERBMASTER: On battlefield so gory that  
Her uncle’s lying slain

IORETH: I hate to have to say it but the truth is rather plain:

IORETH, HERBMASTER: No one can ever make Éowyn happy

FARAMIR: I want to help the forlorn maiden cope  
I want to bring her hope

HERBMASTER: How do you solve a problem like Éowyn?

FARAMIR: How do you teach a grim-faced warrior joy?

IORETH: What do you call a person like Éowyn?

HERBMASTER: A Rohan shieldmaiden

FARAMIR: A charming young girl

IORETH: A boy

FARAMIR: Many a thing I know I’d like to show her  
Many a thing I want to make her see

IORETH: But how do you make her care?

HERBMASTER: One so cold and yet so fair?

FARAMIR: How do I make the lady look at me?

ALL: Oh, how do you solve a problem like Éowyn?  
How do you set a cagéd spirit free?

HERBMASTER: When she passes,  
I feel ill  
For she radiates  
A chill  
And her countenance is ever lacking cheer

IORETH: She’s insane, make no mistake  
She will cause your heart to break

HERBMASTER: She’ s a misfit

IORETH: She’s a monster

FARAMIR: She’s a dear

IORETH: She’d intimidate an Orc  
Cause an Uruk-hai to shirk

HERBMASTER: Armor fits her like a hand should do its glove

IORETH: She is crazy  
She is wild

FARAMIR: She’s a victim  
She’s a child

HERBMASTER: I’m inferring

IORETH: I’m concurring

FARAMIR: I’m in love…

ALL: How do you solve a problem like Éowyn?  
How do you teach a grim-faced warrior joy?  
What do you call a person like Éowyn?

HERBMASTER: A Rohan shieldmaiden

FARAMIR: A charming young girl

IORETH: A boy

FARAMIR: Many a thing I know I’d like to show her  
Many a thing I want to make her see

IORETH: But how do you make her care?

HERBMASTER: One so cold and yet so fair?

FARAMIR: How do I make the lady look at me?

ALL: Oh, how do you solve a problem like Éowyn?

FARAMIR: How do you set a cagéd spirit free?

END MUSICAL NUMBER


	4. Act One, Scene Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 4: In Which Éomer Screws Everything Up Even Worse Than Faramir Just Did

ROHAN TENT. ÉOMER is sitting at a table with a pile of paperwork on it. He pulls one out from the bottom of the pile, and it all falls on him. He bends down to pick up all of the papers. ARAGORN comes in, closely followed by LEGOLAS.

LEGOLAS  
…But I’m not dependent on you! You’re just my friend! True, I admire you, as does everyone, which, by the way, means you would make a GREAT king, but dependent? I’m not dependent!

ARAGORN (ignoring LEGOLAS)  
Greetings, Éomer. How’s it with you? Why did you want to see me?

ÉOMER (standing up, holding a ton of papers, which he begins rebalancing on his table)  
Oh, Aragorn. Messengers from Rohan have been arriving every day. It seems the entire kingdom has a complaint to lodge!

ARAGORN  
Well, most of their homes were destroyed.

ÉOMER  
Yes, but do they all have to write me individually to say so? I’ve been king barely a month, and already I’m behind in the paperwork .

ARAGORN (blanching)  
Paperwork?

ÉOMER  
Yes! Complaints, invitations, petitions, economic reports, statistics, love letters…

ARAGORN (paler still, nearly panicking)  
Love letters?

ÉOMER  
I’m young, I’m king, and I’m single. Nuff said. Anyway, I may not be able to stay for your coronation. This all is getting ridiculous. Every time I turn around, someone wants something else from me…(turns around as ÉOWYN barges in)

ÉOWYN (still livid)  
You won’t BELIEVE what just happened! I paid Faramir a polite social call and he started…

ÉOMER (interrupting her)  
I’m busy right now, Éowyn. I’m talking to Aragorn. (Gets papers finally balanced)

LEGOLAS  
You can talk to Éowyn. I’ll talk to Aragorn.

ÉOWYN (sighing)  
No. I’ll wait. (wanders over to look at the papers. Pulls one out. They all fall on her.) Oops.

LEGOLAS  
Anyway, as I was saying, I am not…

ARAGORN (gesturing at papers)  
Legolas, pick those up.

LEGOLAS instantly obeys.

ÉOMER  
…you know what, Aragorn? Can I talk to you later? (whispers) You know, so my sister doesn’t kill something…

ARAGORN  
That’s fine. I’ll see you later. Come, Legolas.

LEGOLAS follows ARAGORN out of the tent, accidentally knocking all the papers over again on his way out.

ARAGORN  
I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Did you see that? One month! That was just one month of papers! And love letters…Legolas, I can’t do this!

LEGOLAS  
Sure you can. The start might be rough, but you’ll get the hang of it. I’ll help you! And Faramir can help you, and Gandalf can help you, and Gimli can help you…

ARAGORN  
You know what would really help me? If Faramir really really wanted to be king! Then I could abdicate in favor of him! Maybe I should…he’s a good Steward, and the people all love him.

LEGOLAS  
They love you, too.

ARAGORN picks something up from the ground. It’s a pink piece of paper with the word “Éomer” written on it very largely.

ARAGORN  
That’s what I’m afraid of. (Starts to pace) I need a plan, Legolas, a plan to get me out of this job. Something I can do within two days.

Enter GIMLI, huffing and puffing.

GIMLI  
There you are, Elf! I’ve been looking all over for you! I thought you’d run away!

ARAGORN (stops pacing, snaps his fingers)  
That’s it! I can run away!

GIMLI  
…oops.

ARAGORN  
I can leave in the dead of night and never be seen again in Gondor! I can explore the world and help countries in need! And there’s no paperwork involved in that! I’m going to go pack right now! (hugs GIMLI) Thank you, Gimli! Thank you! (Exit ARAGORN)

LEGOLAS  
…well, you can’t pin this one on me. This was all you, pal.

GIMLI  
Now what are we going to do?  
LEGOLAS  
He will expect us to help him. I’m going to help him.

GIMLI  
Yes, but will we help him more by aiding him in his flight or exposing his plot?

LEGOLAS  
Good point…(thinks awhile) It would be faithless to tell on him.

GIMLI  
Even if it’s for his own good?

LEGOLAS  
Gimli, if we make him stay, he will feel forced into the job and hate it no matter what. If we help him run away, sooner or later the true king inside him will realize running away never solves anything, and he’ll return with new determination!

GIMLI  
…wow, that almost made sense.

LEGOLAS  
Thank you. Do we have a plan, then?

GIMLI  
Yes. We follow his plan to foil his plan. To help him.

LEGOLAS  
Because he needs us, and as long as he needs us, we should remain true to him.

“AS LONG AS HE NEEDS WE”  
(tune: “As Long As He Needs Me” from Oliver!)

LEGOLAS: As long as he needs we  
Oh yes, he does need we  
It’s plain by what you see  
I’m sure that he needs we

GIMLI: Who else would follow still  
With such a plan so ill?  
He knows we always will  
As long as he needs we

LEGOLAS: We’d miss him so much if he was gone

GIMLI: So we’ll stay near him and venture on

LEGOLAS: Through bush and vale and briar  
Through fog and foam and fire

GIMLI: Together we’ll conspire  
As long as he needs we

GIMLI  
He will not say the things he should

LEGOLAS  
He acts the way he thinks he should

GIMLI: But all the same

LEGOLAS: We’ll play this game

GIMLI, LEGOLAS: His way…

GIMLI: As long as he needs we  
We know where we must be  
We’ll follow steadfastly  
As long as he needs we

LEGOLAS: As long as life is long  
We’ll follow, right or wrong  
Together we’ll be strong  
As long as he needs we

GIMLI: If you are lonely, then you will know

LEGOLAS: When someone needs you, you’re loyal so…

GIMLI: Our loyalty is sworn

LEGOLAS: Though some hold us in scorn

GIMLI, LEGOLAS: We’ll follow Aragorn….  
As long as he needs we!!

END MUSICAL NUMBER


	5. Act One, Scene Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 5: In Which More Plots Are Made, And A New Use For Nail Files Is Discovered

FIELD. MERRY, SAM, and FRODO enter one by one, each carrying different percussion instruments.

FRODO  
Is everybody here?

MERRY  
Pippin’s missing. I haven’t seen him all day.

FRODO  
What was he supposed to bring? (Consults a list, sighs) The bass drum.  
SAM  
We can’t march without a bass drum! Some coronation parade that’ll be! We only got two more days to practice. Mr Pippin better show up soon.

FRODO  
Did he even have a bass drum?

MERRY  
Oh, he’s got a drum all right. What he didn’t have was a drumstick.

SAM  
So how long does it take to pick up a big stick ‘r’ something?

Enter PIPPIN, carrying something tall and skinny wrapped in cloth.

PIPPIN (out of breath; he had been running)  
Am I late?

FRODO  
Not very. Where’s the bass drum?

PIPPIN  
…oh. I left it back at the camp. But wait till you see what I’ve got here!

SAM, MERRY, FRODO  
What?

PIPPIN (unwrapping the object)  
The mother of all drumsticks! The greatest drumstick gracing Middle-earth today!

FRODO  
…uh...Pippin…that’s…um…

SAM  
Oh, Mr Pippin! You went and stole Mr Gandalf’s staff?

PIPPIN  
I just borrowed it. Won’t it be great for the parade?

MERRY  
Sure, if you live to see the parade.

PIPPIN  
What do you mean?

GANDALF (offstage)  
PEREGRIN TOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Enter GANDALF in a mad rage. He swoops down on PIPPIN and snatches his staff away.

GANDALF  
This is not a toy, Peregrin! Nor did I say you could abscond away with it! Of all the wooly-headed hobbits, and there are quite a few, you are the worst! And as for the rest of you, well! The coming ceremony is a monumentous occasion that you should not attempt to cheapen with silly percussion routines! You, Frodo, I thought would understand at least that! (sighs) Hobbits!

Exit GANDALF.

MERRY  
See what I meant?

PIPPIN  
It’s always me, have you noticed? Why is it always me?

SAM  
Beggin’ your pardon but it’s always you because you’re always the one what’s bunged something up, Mr Pippin, sir.

PIPPIN  
But I’m not the only one! Everyone else is weird too!

MERRY  
Yeah, except he likes yelling at us hobbits. You know what I think? I think he missed his true calling in life. He’s not a wizard, he’s a psychiatrist!

SAM  
He’s a what?

MERRY  
You know, a shrink. He takes one look at somebody an’ decides what’s wrong with them. He should go into business. He could start by analyzing everybody in the Shire at the same time!

PIPPIN  
That shouldn’t be too hard for him. In fact, he’s already done it. (picks up a white blanket from a box of costumes/props SAM brought with his instrument. PIPPIN wraps the blanket around himself and starts talking in a pseudo-Gandalf voice, pointing at SAM) Hey you! Hobbit!

SAM (playing along)  
Who, me, Mr Gandalf?

PIPPIN  
Yeah, you! Here’s a free analysis: you eat and smoke too much, you wool-pated lazybones!

“GEE, WHITE WIZARD GANDALF”  
(tune: “Gee, Officer Krupke” from West Side Story)

SAM: Gee wise white wizard Gandalf,  
Although we love our food  
And other people can scoff,  
You don’t have to be rude.

MERRY: We happen to be halflings  
We like to eat and laugh  
So what if we took your stupid staff!!

SAM, MERRY, FRODO: Gee, White Wizard Gandalf, your day’s not complete  
Until you’ve yelled at someone who has fuzz on their feet.  
Well, it ain’t just hobbits who can be a klutz…  
Like the entire cast is nuts!

SAM: They’re all nuts!

MERRY, SAM, FRODO: They are nuts, they are nuts,  
They are crazy nuts,  
Like the whole dang cast is freakin’ nuts!

PIPPIN (as Gandalf)  
You say I have more patients? Who?

MERRY (putting on a crown)  
Like me, Aragorn! I’ve got major issues, dude!  
(sings) Dear Gandalf, my one mentor,  
Whom some call Mithrandir,  
I lack a kingly splendor  
That I think should be here.  
I have a coupla flunkies  
But no one else can see  
What’s my problem? What is wrong with me?

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Well,  
Aragorn, bluntly, though you’ve a good heart,  
You simply must admit that you just don’t look the part.  
And though Arwen thinks you are quite a heartthrob,  
To be quite honest, you’re a slob!

MERRY (as Aragorn): I’m a slob!

ALL HOBBITS: He’s a slob, he’s a slob, he’s a dirty slob,  
Like the king to be’s a great big slob!

PIPPIN (as Gandalf)  
One case satisfactorily solved. Next patient, please!

SAM (pulling out a fake bow and arrow and pulling on his ears to make them really pointy)  
Hi! I’m a flippy little elf!

MERRY  
Oh, this oughta be good.

SAM (as Legolas): I shoot a bow and arrow,  
I like when it goes twang,  
I walk the straight and narrow,  
Girls think I’m one hot thang.  
My body’s just too perfect,  
I love my pointy ears.  
Holy Lembas! Why am I so weird?!

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Here’s  
My diagnosis, my good “Lego-less”  
By far your biggest problem’s you’d look good in a dress.  
You’re loyal to a fault, my worst client yet;  
You’re Aragorn’s cute elvish pet!

SAM (as Legolas): I’m his pet!

ALL: He’s his pet, he’s his pet,  
He’s his elvish pet,  
He’s his androgynous yes-man pet!

PIPPIN (as Gandalf, turning to FRODO)  
And who might you be? What are your problems?

FRODO  
Uh…um…I don’t know…

PIPPIN (breaking character, tossing FRODO a helmet)  
Oh, just be Faramir!

FRODO  
Whatever you say…here goes nothing…  
(sings, as Faramir) : Powerful wizard Greyhame,  
I’ve got no self-esteem.  
My brother won himself fame  
Although it was my dream.  
I couldn’t take the message,  
Or even tag along,  
Can you tell me? What have I done wrong?

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Faramir, I think that you’re sorely deprived.  
The man you most looked up to tried to roast you alive.  
Your father’s the reason you think you can’t work.  
Let’s face it: Your dad was a jerk!

FRODO (as Faramir): Was a jerk!

ALL: Was a jerk, was a jerk,  
Was an insane jerk  
Like the late great Denethor’s a jerk!!

FRODO (as Faramir): My problem is I’m sissy?

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Your problem is your dad.

SAM (as Legolas): My problem is I’m prissy?

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Your problem’s you’re a cad.

MERRY (as Aragorn): My problem is I’m greasy?

PIPPIN (as Gandalf): Your problem is you stink!

ALL: Gandalf, your problem is you don’t think!  
Gee, White Wizard Gandalf, have you ever tried

PIPPIN: To analyze yourself with such a critical eye?

ALL: You always find fault in  
Agreeable chumps…  
Gee White Wizard Gandalf—  
You grump!

END MUSICAL NUMBER  
  
GANDALF reenters, stares at the HOBBITS in their costumes.

GANDALF  
Peregrin, I’ve come to take back what I said about hobbits. I’m just a little frustrated because I can’t find Aragorn, that’s all. You’re not as big of a fool as I said you were. (stares a little more, especially at SAM, who is still pulling on his own ears) What are you all doing?

MERRY  
Huh? Oh…nothing. Just… trying to pick costumes for the parade.

GANDALF chuckles, SAM removes his hands from his ears.

GANDALF  
Hobbits. (Exit GANDALF)

FRODO (taking off his costume)  
Great. Now I have guilt.

PIPPIN (dropping blanket)  
I think he heard us and did that on purpose.

As the HOBBITS clean up, LEGOLAS and GIMLI enter, conversing in hushed tones.

LEGOLAS  
There’s the hobbits! Should we tell them?

GIMLI  
No! No! They’ll likely screw up the plan. We must act natural, like nothing is happening. Like Aragorn is going to be coronated. We have to act happy.

LEGOLAS  
Okay. Happy. Got it.

LEGOLAS and GIMLI plaster huge smiles on their faces as they approach the HOBBITS. Neither of them can act.

LEGOLAS  
Hiya there, hobbits! Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?

HOBBITS’ jaws drop.

GIMLI  
Oh, you bet it is! There ain’t no weather like the weather today!

HOBBITS blink slowly.

LEGOLAS  
You’re absolutely right, Gimli!

GIMLI  
Thank you, Legolas! Tell me, how is Aragorn?

LEGOLAS  
Oh, he’s great! He can’t wait to be king and dive into all the red tape! It’s going to be so much fun!!!

MERRY  
What are you two doing?

PIPPIN  
Yeah, what’s going on?

GIMLI  
Nothing. We’re just talking. Say, Legolas! How about that weather!

FRODO  
All right, what are you two hiding?

SAM  
Yeah, what’s going on? An’ don’t tell me nuthin’ bout the weather, either. We want answers, straight-up an’ right-like, don’t we, Mr Frodo?

FRODO  
You heard him. Start talking.

LEGOLAS  
But we aren’t hiding anything!

MERRY  
Yeah, right.

 

PIPPIN  
There’s one way to get an answer out of you…isn’t there? Merry? Frodo? Sam?

SAM  
You don’t mean…

MERRY  
Not…

FRODO  
There must be another way!

PIPPIN  
On the count of three. One…

LEGOLAS  
You think we should leave now?

PIPPIN  
Two…

GIMLI  
Relax. What can they do?

PIPPIN  
Three. TICKLE TORTURE!!!!!!!

HOBBITS jump on LEGOLAS and GIMLI, start tickling them. This goes on for a while. GIMLI is ticklish, LEGOLAS less so.

GIMLI  
All right! I’ll talk! I’ll talk!

LEGOLAS  
No, Gimli! Be strong! We must not give in! I for one will not. Nothing can break an Elf!

SAM  
Oh, no? (Starts rummaging through the costume box) Well, how about…(pulls out a nail file) this?

LEGOLAS  
Very funny. But I’ll have you know, I do file my nails. Your nail file doesn’t scare me.

 

SAM  
What if I use it on…(grabs LEGOLAS’s head) …your ears?

LEGOLAS  
Ahh! No! Not my ears!

SAM  
I’ll keep on filing and filing until your pointy ears are no more! Then you’ll look just like a mortal man!

PIPPIN  
No, Sam, you’re wrong. He’ll look just like a mortal woman!

SAM poises file over LEGOLAS’s ear.

SAM  
Here I go! (Starts filing)

LEGOLAS  
No! No! Mercy! All right! All right! I’ll talk! I’ll tell you anything, just leave my ears alone!!

GIMLI  
That’s funny. I could’ve sworn that I heard somewhere that nothing could break an Elf…

FRODO  
Good job, Sam! Now, Legolas, Gimli, what’s going on?

LEGOLAS  
It’s Aragorn! He’s scared and he doesn’t want to be king because he doesn’t think he can do it and stop it, that hurts!!!!!!!

FRODO  
Sam, you can stop now. Anything else, Gimli?

GIMLI  
So Aragorn’s running away. There! We told you! Now stop tickling me!!!

HOBBITS stop, LEGOLAS and GIMLI run for their lives. LEGOLAS is clutching his ear and whimpering softly.

PIPPIN  
Well, that was eventful.

FRODO  
Poor Aragorn. We can’t let him run away; we have to boost his confidence somehow.

SAM  
Brilliant, Mr Frodo! How should we do it?

FRODO  
Well…(pauses)

MERRY  
Yes?

FRODO  
I think…(pauses)

SAM  
Yes??

 

FRODO (pauses)  
I have no idea.

MERRY and SAM sigh.

PIPPIN (triumphantly)  
I’ve got it!

All other HOBBITS turn to stare at him in amazement.

PIPPIN  
We pretend the City is under attack! He’ll get everybody ready to go in no time and see how much everyone admires and believes in him.

MERRY  
And when he finds out it’s all a hoax, it won’t matter because he’ll realize we’re right!

FRODO  
And he can’t possibly run away if he thinks his friends are in danger! Brilliant, Pippin!

SAM  
Wow, Mr Pippin! You could just grow up to be the most wisesest of hobbits!

MERRY  
Yes, Pip, he’s right.  
“WISE PEREGRIN TOOK”  
(tune: “High Flying Adored” from Evita)

FRODO: Wise Peregrin Took  
So young, yet so ingenious  
A smart, strategic thing  
When before this time, I was quite nonplussed  
You had a sense of fun but  
Not much else…  
For you were such a normal boy,  
Laughing and joking, pushing and poking…

SAM: Wise Peregrin Took  
Did you believe in your wildest moments  
Such fame could be yours  
That you’d become the hobbit of them all?  
When you roamed from your native place, you gained wisdom  
From your home, from the Shire  
From the quaint Hobbiton locale  
Don’t look down, it’s a long long way to fall…

MERRY: Wise Peregrin Took  
What happens now; where do we go from here?  
The start of the plan is quite good; the rest’s  
Not exactly clear  
But I have faith that you will think it out  
You’re our new mentor now  
Better than Elrond, we will depend on…

FRODO: Wise Peregrin Took  
I hope you find an answer quickly  
He’s leaving immediately  
So think; so ponder it carefully!  
Use your brain, it will serve you;  
It’s been done before,  
‘Twill be plain, what we must do,  
Tell us how we stop Elessar  
And all Men shall praise you as a star…

PIPPIN: Wise Peregrin Took  
I’ve been called names, but never that one  
Normally derogative; like you fool,  
Or idiot halfling man…  
An idea is coming at the perfect time!  
Don’t you see? Aren’t I clever?  
One thing I’ll say for me:  
No one else can ponder like I can…

END MUSICAL NUMBER

Curtain closes.  
Intermission.


	6. Act Two, Scene One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

ACT TWO  
Scene 1: In Which Aragorn’ s Imagination Dabbles in Interpretive Dance

GONDOR TENT. ARAGORN is sitting on a chair, dictating a letter to GIMLI, who is sitting at a desk. LEGOLAS is carrying huge piles of clothing back and forth to suitcases. He continues doing this throughout the scene, eventually trying to fit Anduril into a hatbox.

ARAGORN (dictating)  
“Dear Arwen…” no, “dearest Arwen…”

GIMLI grumbles and scratches something out.

ARAGORN  
“I regret to inform you that, contrary to popular opinion, I shall not be coronated on the first of May. Due to my personal inadequacy to fill the post, I am fleeing Minas Tirith and making my way to your side at Rivendell, where I hope you will wait for me. We shall be wedded there and live the rest of our lives together anywhere you wish—except the kingdoms of Men.”

GIMLI  
Wait, I lost you. Could you repeat that?

(LEGOLAS in the background: “Fit, darn you! Fit!”)

ARAGORN  
From where?

GIMLI  
The last thing I have is “I regret to inform you.”

ARAGORN  
“I regret to inform you...” oh, I lost it.

LEGOLAS (very quickly)  
“Iregrettoinformyouthat,contrarytopopularopinion,IshallnotbecoronatedonthefirstofMay.Duetomypersonalinadequacytofillthepost,IamfleeingMinasTirithandmakingmywaytoyoursideatRivendell,whereIhopeyouwillwaitforme.WeshallbeweddedthereandlivetherestofourlivestogetheranywhereyouwishexceptthekingdomsofMen.” Did you get that?

GIMLI (sarcastically)  
Thank you so much.

LEGOLAS (in all sincerity)  
You’re welcome. (resumes his Anduril-hatbox problem)

ARAGORN  
Just write something about how I’m not going to be king and I’m coming to marry her. And add something about how I love her very much.

GIMLI (writes a little, then remembers something)  
Wait a minute! This isn’t going to work. She can’t marry you if you’re not king!

ARAGORN  
Why not? She won’t mind.

GIMLI  
She won’t, but her father will.

ARAGORN  
Oh…dangit, you’re right! I forgot about Elrond!

LEGOLAS  
Well, maybe he’ll understand.

ARAGORN  
Are you serious? I can see him in my head. I know what he would say…

Fog fills the tent; LEGOLAS and GIMLI freeze as ARAGORN begins to imagine/hallucinate. ELROND, ARWEN materialize. ARWEN is dressed in a light blue flapper dress…

ARAGORN  
Lord Elrond, please! I’m in love with your daughter!

ELROND  
You think I’m not? After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?

“NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME”  
(tune: “Not For The Life Of Me” from Thoroughly Modern Millie)

ELROND: I raised you from a child  
An orphan with no home  
I told you your identity, too  
How someday you’d be monarch  
And never have to roam  
Aragorn, you’ve an IOU  
Now sixty-some years later  
Your star has risen high  
And soon you’ll live your true destiny  
But now you’re in hot water  
You want a bride  
My Arwen; she belongs to me  
You said you would claim your seat in Gondor  
You said you would help destroy the Ring  
So I told you you could maybe have my daughter  
My only girl, only daughter  
As long as you were king…  
Said you would  
Said you might  
Gondor, Arnor  
Reunite  
Not for the life of me  
You did not  
You ran away  
If you’re still asking,  
I say nay  
Not for the life of me…  
A life that’s seen so much more of crowns, wars, and kings  
Than your mortal tongue can tell  
Seen so much more of terrible bad things  
So I stay. In. Rivendell…  
Beg and plead, you won’t get far  
I will never ever give up the Evenstar  
Not for the life of me  
Boh doh dee oh  
Not for the life of,  
Not for the life of,  
Not for the life of…(music suddenly slows)  
You said you would help destroy the Ring…  
I’ll admit, did a lot  
Didn’t run when things got hot  
Did your best, all you can  
Pretty good for mortal man…

(spoken) You are the heir of Numenor… the heir of Isildur, who betrayed the world! I told him to throw it in, but did he? Did he? NOOO! How do I know your strength won’t fail you either, especially since you’re running away? Well, you’ll never have Arwen, you filthy punk! Do you hear me? Never, never, never!

(sung) Days of yore, never gentle,  
Ask me if I’m sentimental  
Not for the life of me…  
Boh doh dee oh  
Not for the life of,  
Not for the life of,  
Not for the life of me!!!

(ARAGORN grabs ARWEN by her right arm. ELROND grabs her by her left. They enter into a furious tug-of-war as ELVISH BACKUP SINGERS appear, also dressed in flapper costumes, and begin doing the Charleston.)

ELVISH BACKUP SINGERS: Said you would  
Said you might  
Gondor, Arnor  
Reunite  
Not for the life of me  
A life that’s seen so much more of crowns, wars, and kings  
Than your mortal tongue can tell  
Seen so much more of terrible bad things  
So I stay. In. Rivendell…  
Beg and plead, won’t get far  
We won’t give up Evenstar  
Not for the life of me, me, me, me, me…

ELROND: Boh-doh-dee-oh

ELVISH BACKUP SINGERS: Not for the life of…  
Not for the life of me!

(ELROND wrenches ARWEN away from ARAGORN, who collapses on the ground.)

 

END MUSICAL NUMBER

Fog clears. ELROND, ARWEN, ELVISH BACKUP SINGERS disappear

ARAGORN (heavy sigh)  
It’s hopeless. Either I be king and marry her, or flee and live alone.

LEGOLAS  
Should I unpack, then?

GIMLI  
You might as well. I mean, what can we do, sneak into Rivendell and kidnap her?

 

ARAGORN  
That’s it! We’ll elope!

LEGOLAS smacks GIMLI upside the head.

LEGOLAS  
Way to go, genius!

ARAGORN (very excited)  
It’s risky, but we can make it. Thank you! Thank you both! Arwen, vanimelda, I come, verily I come…

Enter SAM, FRODO

SAM  
Mr Aragorn! Mr Aragorn! Orcs, sir! Orcs!

FRODO  
A company of Orcs is on the move! We have to do something!

LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ARAGORN  
Orcs?! (exit LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ARAGORN)

FRODO, SAM boogie.


	7. Act Two, Scene Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 2: In Which STILL More Plots Are Made, And Some Eaves Are Dropped

ROHAN TENT. ÉOMER’s pile of papers is on the floor now, and ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, GANDALF, ÉOMER, ÉOWYN, and FARAMIR enter and all stand at the table. LEGOLAS holds up a map which everyone references throughout the song.

“WAR IS A SCIENCE”  
(tune and most of the words, too: “War is a Science” from Pippin)

ARAGORN  
Gentlemen, be seated! (ALL sit but ARAGORN and LEGOLAS)  
(sings) War is a science  
With rules to be applied  
Which good soldiers appreciate  
Recall and recapitulate  
Before they go to decimate  
The other side

Spoken: And now, gentlemen, (ÉOWYN sniffs) study this map. This is the plan for tomorrow’s battle.

(sings)The army of the enemy is stationed on the hill  
So we’ve got to bring them down here, and this is how we will  
Our men in the ravine, that’s this area in green,  
Will move across the valley where they plainly can be seen  
And the enemy, in blue, will undoubtedly pursue  
For that’s what you depend upon an enemy to do  
Then to guarantee their folly  
We’ll bring bowmen into play (LEGOLAS waves)  
Who will fire just one volley (LEGOLAS pouts)  
And retire to point “A”  
And then, and then,  
And gentlemen, and then…

ÉOWYN (standing): And then the men go marching out into the fray  
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day  
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears  
Jubilations! We can hear a grateful nation’s cheers!

ÉOMER  
Éowyn, don’t interrupt Aragorn!

ARAGORN  
Now, where was I? Ah yes, I remember…

ÉOMER (interrupting, standing)  
So do I!

(sings) War is a science  
A breeding ground for brains  
For though I cannot write my name  
The men whose pens have brought them fame  
Write endless paragraphs explaining my campaigns  
Now when the foe see our soldiers marching through the lea  
They will mount a charge and meet us at the point I’ve labeled “B”  
And their bowmen on the hill, in yellow on the map,  
Will leave their posts and join the rest and fall into our trap  
Then we’ll cut off reinforcements and retreat of any kind  
Bearing principles of enfilade and defilade in mind.  
And if all the ploys we pick to really work to bring to pass occur  
We won’t have just a victory, we’ll have ourselves a massacre  
And then, and then,  
And gentlemen, and then…

ÉOWYN: And then the men go marching out into the fray  
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day  
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears  
Jubilations! We can hear a grateful nation’s…

 

ÉOMER  
Éowyn! I shall not caution you again!

GANDALF (standing)  
In conclusion, gentlemen…

(sings) Now listen to me closely, I’ll relinquish and reveal  
What separates an everyman from an Elendil  
A rule confessed by generals illustrious and various  
Though terrific as a Turgon or excellent as Elros  
A simple rule that every great man knows by heart:  
It’s smarter to be lucky than it’s lucky to be smart  
But if the fates feel frivolous  
And all our plans they smother  
Well, suppose this war does shrivel us  
There’ll always be another!  
And then…

ÉOWYN: And then…

ÉOMER, ARAGORN, GANDALF: And gentlemen, and then…  
Now, Éowyn, now!

ALL, led by ÉOWYN: And then the men go marching out into the fray  
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day  
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears  
Jubilations! We can hear a grateful nation’s cheers!

END MUSICAL NUMBER

ARAGORN  
And now! To muster the troops! Éomer! Faramir!

ALL go to leave but FARAMIR, who catches ÉOWYN on the way out

FARAMIR ( to ARAGORN)  
I’ll meet up with you later! (quieter, to ÉOWYN) Éowyn, we need to talk.

ÉOWYN (acting cold and indifferent)  
No we don’t. You’ve said quite enough already.

FARAMIR  
Éowyn, you misunderstood. I was trying to say that no matter who you decide you want to be, I’m going to love you. Whoever you end up being, as long as it’s you.

ÉOWYN  
…What? Try that again in the Common Tongue and I might get it. You can’t talk lately, have you noticed?

ÉOWYN goes to leave, FARAMIR catches her on the arm again

FARAMIR  
Éowyn, wait. Please don’t go yet.

ÉOWYN  
Let go of me. (wrenches her arm from his grasp)

FARAMIR  
Éowyn, I have to explain, I’ll try to be articulate this time…I don’t think you’re weak, I love you with all my heart and soul, and I want to…

ÉOMER (offstage)  
Éowyn! Where are you?

ARAGORN (offstage)  
Faramir! Your troops need to be here soon!

FARAMIR  
Meet me, later…in the forest. The oak grove. We can finish our conversation there. (exit FARAMIR)

ÉOWYN (to herself more than to FARAMIR)  
Oh, I’ll meet you all right. The way you’ve been behaving deserves an explanation. You love me, you say. Weirdest courting ritual I’ve ever seen, insulting a girl, babbling, assaulting her person…must be a Gondor thing.

Exit ÉOWYN; MERRY and PIPPIN crawl out from under the table, where they had been hiding.

MERRY  
It’s working! They’re calling out the troops! Aragorn is in his element!

PIPPIN  
And a soap opera is developing as well! It’s almost too good to be true!

MERRY (clapping PIPPIN on the back)  
I gotta hand it to you, Pip. This was a great idea. Well, better go take my place in formation. Squire of Rohan and all that. See you on the “battlefield,” Knight of Gondor! (makes quotation marks in the air on “battlefield”)

Exit MERRY, whistling “Wise Peregrin Took”

PIPPIN  
Right. Knight of Gondor, that’ s me! I should go…but first, I’ll stake out the oak grove. That ought to be a good show, maybe even better than Aragorn leading all of Gondor out against nothing! Ah, young love!

Exit PIPPIN in the opposite direction as MERRY


	8. Act Two, Scene Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 3: In Which An Unexpected Twist Is Introduced Into The Grand Scheme Of Things

FOREST. A band of ORCS is marching through. They’re talking amongst themselves in that vile, crude, orkish manner. Enter ORC CAPTAIN, looking over his troops.

ORC CAPTAIN  
Biggest bunch of lazy slobs I ever seen. Look at all you! Yer swords are rustin an your shields are chipped. An quiet down! Gondor don’t know we’re comin an’ it’s gonna stay that way!

ORC 1  
But Cap’n, we’re jest hungry, ‘at’s all. When we gonna git to Minas Tirade?

ORC CAPTAIN  
That’s “Tirith,” ya blutherin’ buffoon! “Tirith!” An’ we’re close. Real close, so yunz have gots ta keep yer traps shut. We’re goin for a surprise assault, remember?

ORC 1  
But Cap’n…

 

ORC CAPTAIN  
Don’t you “But Cap’n” me, droolface! Ya jest do what’s I tell ya ta do wivout questionin’! Who’s da brains here?

ORC 1  
Uh..um…

ORC CAPTAIN  
Exactly. Now get back in line!

Enter ORC 2.

ORC 2  
Cap’n! Cap’n! You won’t burlieve what me’n’ da boys’ve found! Fresh meats!

ORC CAPTAIN  
Fresh? How fresh?

Enter ORC 3, ORC 4, ORC 5, dragging FARAMIR and ÉOWYN tied up between them.

ORC 2  
This fresh. Live an’ kickin’! A girlman an’ a boyman!

ORC CAPTAIN  
Men, huh? (stoops, looks at ÉOWYN) Young, fresh…(ÉOWYN spits on him)…and a little disrespectful.

ÉOWYN  
You don’t deserve respect! If I’d brought my sword, you’d all learn a little respect!

ORC CAPTAIN  
Gag her, somebody. (ORC 2 gags ÉOWYN with a rag. ORC CAPTAIN turns to FARAMIR) An’ who’re you?

FARAMIR  
My name is of no concern. Our capture will only bring the stroke of doom down on you even harder! (pauses, then spits too)

ORC CAPTAIN (wiping off his face)  
Men! Look at these, troops. Look at these fancypants Men. They think they’re so special. They think they own th’ world. Well, we Orcs won’t stand for that, will we? We don’t like uppity Men, do we?

ORCS roar their consent.

ORC CAPTAIN  
Let’s keep these two around. We won’t eat ‘em yet. Not until they know exactly wot we think of ‘em! Not until we make ‘em see why we Orcs are gonna rule the world, starting wiv their stinkin’ city!

FARAMIR  
You’ll never win! Not against the knights of Minas Tirith!

ORC CAPTAIN  
See what I mean? Hoity-toity an’ superior. Well, we don’t think so high of you, Mr Human Man-boy! Hah!

“I HATE MEN”  
(tune: “I Hate Men” from Kiss Me, Kate)

ORC CAPTAIN: I hate Men.  
I can’t abide ‘em even now and then.  
They’re stuck up and they suck up and they strut with chests a-puffing  
And act all buff and act all tough and say that they like roughing  
But no one takes ‘em seriously because they’re only bluffing  
Oh, I hate Men!  
They say this is the age of Men, well, friends, the world is ending,  
Our lives are in the hands of fools and judgment now is pending.  
But then again, they named the age, they could be just pretending,  
Oh I hate Men! Rrah!

ALL ORCS: We hate Men!

ORC CAPTAIN: They always show off prowess with a pen.  
They think they’re smart and clever too because they know their writing  
But fancy words die upon swords because they stink at fighting.  
Full often have I slew talent with joy and much delighting,  
For I hate Men!  
They claim to be a peaceful race but that just don’t make much sense.  
How can they care, the hypocrites, when they always take offense?  
And life is so much easier if you don’ t have a conscience,  
Oh I hate Men! Rrah!

ALL ORCS: We hate Men!

ORC CAPTAIN: They make the same mistakes ‘gain and again.  
If you believe that rubbish spewed from knights who are so cocky  
You may believe our opinion is really rather mocky.  
But watch ‘em melt as we use their friends’ heads to play field hockey!  
  
ALL ORCS: Oh, we hate Men!

ORC CAPTAIN: Scared of conflict, it makes ‘em sick, they issue ultimatums  
Claim to hate fights, but the next night, go out right and create ‘em!  
Instead of wasting all that time we Orcs just say we hate ‘em!

ALL ORCS: Well, we hate Men! Aah!

END MUSICAL NUMBER

ORC CAPTAIN  
Take them away. Keep ‘em marching at our pace. An get some torches; we’ll mark our entry to the city by lightin’ em on fire!

ORC 3  
The torches?

ORC CAPTAIN  
THE PRISONERS! RRAAH!!

Exit ÉOWYN, FARAMIR, and their orkish escort

FARAMIR (as he exits)  
But I just got over my last encounter with torches!

ORC CAPTAIN  
That’ll make ‘em fear us! We’ll rest a bit, then to war, my demons! To war!

ALL ORCS  
To war! (ALL ORCS exit with much grunting, macho yet disgusting noises)

PIPPIN comes out from where he was hiding behind a tree

PIPPIN (shaking)  
But….but there aren’t supposed to actually be any orcs! (Runs off) Aragorn! Gandalf! Faramir’s in trouble! Merry! Frodo! Sam! Help!


	9. Act Two, Scene Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 4: In Which Plots Are Both Uncovered And Created…Again

FIELD. Enter MERRY, SAM, FRODO, conversing quietly. They look around, nervous.

MERRY  
Everything’s going according to plan.

SAM  
Where’s Mr Pippin?

MERRY  
Somewhere, I dunno. Probably with his regiment. He’ll show up sooner or later. But listen—Rohan’s almost ready to go and Gondor’s about to leave even as we speak. I have to get back to my position, but I thought you both should know --- there’ s no way Aragorn can run away now!

LEGOLAS (very loud, offstage)  
Ah-HAH!

Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI, GANDALF, and ARAGORN. MERRY, SAM, FRODO panic.

SAM  
Aw, Mr Merry! We’re busted!

LEGOLAS (proudly)  
Foiled by the keen senses of the Elves! (looks up at ARAGORN, seeking praise)

ARAGORN (ignoring LEGOLAS, as always)  
What exactly is going on here?

FRODO, MERRY, SAM (at the same time)  
Nothing! (MERRY)  
We’re just talking! (FRODO)  
Don’t look at us like that! (SAM)  
Oh, man, we’re dead…(MERRY)

LEGOLAS  
You all are trying to keep Aragorn from running away, aren’t you?

ARAGORN, GANDALF, GIMLI (at the same time)  
How? (ARAGORN)  
You’re running away? (GANDALF)  
Way to go, pointyboy! (GIMLI, who smacks LEGOLAS upside the head)

ARAGORN (glares at HOBBITS)  
Is this true?

FRODO (eventually)  
…yes, Aragorn. It’s true. We… invented the whole thing because we wanted you to stay. There aren’t any orcs. We just wanted you to see what a good leader you are!

GIMLI  
That’s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard! What genius came up with that?!

Enter PIPPIN, running and screaming at the top of his lungs.

PIPPIN  
ORCS! ORCS! DANGER! FARAMIR AND ÉOWYN ARE IN TROUBLE!

SAM  
It’s no use, Mr Pippin. They found out.

PIPPIN  
But I’m not kidding! We were actually right! There are orcs in the forest, and they’ve captured Faramir and Éowyn!

GANDALF  
Like we’re going to believe you, Peregrin, after what you just tried to do? (turns to ARAGORN) Now, Aragorn, what’s all this about running away?

ARAGORN  
Uh, um…dang it, Legolas!!!!!!!!!!!!

LEGOLAS starts to cry. Enter ÉOMER.

ÉOMER  
Hey, has anybody seen my sister?

ARAGORN  
Isn’t she back at the camp?

ÉOMER  
Nope. Faramir’s missing, too, though his men are assembled.

EVERYBODY looks from ÉOMER to PIPPIN, then panics. ARAGORN is the only one who remains calm.

ARAGORN (voice rising above the chaos)  
All right, all right, let’s not panic! We can save them! STOP PANICKING! WE CAN SAVE THEM!!!!

ALL freeze, then look at ARAGORN

ARAGORN  
We can save them. The men are assembled. Just grab some weapons for Faramir and Éowyn and mobilize the troops. We can do this! Let’s go!

ALL run off except GANDALF and ARAGORN with much excitement and drive. “Stop crying on me, Elf!” is heard amid the chatter.

GANDALF  
Aragorn, the only spare weapon is this gigantic sword meant for trolls to use…

ARAGORN  
Well, have somebody drag it. They can both hold it; they work well together.

GANDALF (shrugging)  
Whatever you say.

Exit ARAGORN, GANDALF.


	10. Act Two, Scene Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 5: In Which Battle Ensues And A Great Many Things Of Enormous Importance Are Resolved

FOREST. The ORCS have camped and are cooking something. FARAMIR and ÉOWYN are propped up against a tree. ÉOWYN’s gag has been removed…we don’t know why…

ÉOWYN  
This is all your fault.

FARAMIR  
My fault? How is this my fault?

ÉOWYN  
It was your stupid idea to meet in the forest while the enemy was approaching. Thus…your fault.

FARAMIR  
Well, you were unarmed. You’re never unarmed. If you’d had a sword, you could’ve taken care of them.

ÉOWYN  
Where’s your sword? Anyway, I’ve given up “fighting and hacking at stuff,” remember?

FARAMIR  
I didn’t think I would need a sword!

ÉOWYN  
Well, neither did I!

FARAMIR (after a pause)  
I still don’t understand how this is my fault.

ÉOWYN (loses it)  
That’s it! Somebody untie me! I’m gonna kill him!

FARAMIR  
I’m not implying it was yours!

ÉOWYN  
Then what are you implying? (glares at FARAMIR, who glares right back)

 

ORC 4 (to ORC CAPTAIN)  
Lookit dat, Cap’n. We may not need to torch ‘em. They’ll finish themselves off for us.

ORC CAPTAIN  
That, my good Orcs, is an example of the stupidity of Men. We Orcs, creature of culture that we are, would never squabble wiv other…hey! You! Git off my food! ‘At’s mine!

ORC 5  
It’s mine now!

ORC CAPTAIN and ORC 5 start sparring over the food when suddenly, out of nowhere, ARAGORN rushes in and kills ORC CAPTAIN with Anduril.

ARAGORN  
Elendiiiil! (kills ORC 5 too)

ORCS all stare, then attack ARAGORN. Enter GANDALF, ÉOMER, HOBBITS, LEGOLAS, and GIMLI. LEGOLAS and GIMLI are dragging a huge sword between them. FRODO rushes over to FARAMIR and ÉOWYN, unties them.

FRODO  
Legolas! Gimli! The sword!

The sword changes hands from LEGOLAS and GIMLI to FARAMIR and ÉOWYN. More fighting. There is a seemingly endless supply of ORCS.

ÉOWYN  
Hey! I can’t see!

FARAMIR  
Calm down! Left! Swing it left! (FARAMIR and ÉOWYN nearly fall over)

ARAGORN  
Focus, you two! Focus! Work together!

FARAMIR  
Work together. Got it.

ÉOWYN  
Together. I can do that…I guess.

FARAMIR and ÉOWYN suddenly get much better at using their huge sword.

FARAMIR  
Hey! We’re getting the hang of this!

ÉOWYN  
Yeah! Hey, we’re pretty good! This feels great!

“ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE”  
(tune: “Almost Like Being In Love” from Brigadoon)

Throughout this song, FARAMIR and ÉOWYN continue to hack and slash at all ORCS unfortunate enough to cross their path.

ÉOWYN: This is so weird, this is so strange,  
For I’m really quite excited but it’s not like I’m deranged.  
This is so strange, this is so new,  
For I feel connected to you.  
As I look at your face, though this is a strange place,  
Why it’s almost like being in love!  
Our two hearts beat as one till our battle is done,  
Why it’s almost like being in love!  
And this feeling grows stronger you see  
As each blow draws you closer to me!  
And this new warmth in my heart as we hack Orcs apart,  
I could swear I was falling  
I would swear I was falling,  
It’s almost like being in love.  
Harm and death I don’t fear,

FARAMIR: Knowing that you are near,  
It was…  
And your hand next to mine makes this war kind of fine.  
It was…

ÉOWYN: Why it’s almost like being in love!

FARAMIR: Why it’s almost like being in love!  
Stronger you see…

ÉOWYN: As each blow draws you closer to me!

FARAMIR, ÉOWYN: And this new warmth in my heart as we hack Orcs apart,

ÉOWYN: I could swear I was falling

FARAMIR: I would swear I was falling

ÉOWYN, FARAMIR: It’s almost like being in love!!!

END MUSICAL NUMBER

All the ORCS are now dead.

ARAGORN (wiping brow and dropping Anduril)  
Phew…that was intense.

GANDALF  
Indeed. If you can handle something as difficult as surviving an assault that vicious, why do you harbor doubts about something as simple as royal procedures, protocol, and paperwork?

ARAGORN  
Not this again. I can’t do this, all right? We are not having this discussion again!

ÉOMER  
Wait, what discussion?

PIPPIN  
Aragorn’s afraid of being king! He thinks he’ll flub the whole thing up!

GANDALF  
You’re one to talk, Peregrin.

ÉOMER  
But Aragorn, you can be king! Your people skills are outstanding! You can move hearts to follow you and get along!

ARAGORN  
Like who?

ÉOMER  
Well, besides me… Gandalf doesn’t take advice from many people, yet he willingly accepts it from you.

GANDALF  
Always. You are wiser than you think, Aragorn.

ÉOMER  
The hobbits are willing to lie and cause mass panic if it would help you.

SAM (very confused)  
Was that supposed to be a compliment?

ARAGORN  
Well, maybe…maybe…

ÉOMER  
Gimli follows your lead, and Legolas worships the ground you walk on.

GIMLI  
True, ‘dat.

LEGOLAS  
You’re the greatest leader I’ve ever met, greater even than the Elvenking of Mirkwood!

ARAGORN (musing)  
Yes, they would give their lives up for me…

ÉOMER  
Your girlfriend forsook immortality for you!

ARAGORN  
That’s right…Arwen believes in me.

FRODO  
You see, we all love and follow you!

ARAGORN  
But why? What impossible leaderly thing have I done to deserve such devotion from you all?

GIMLI  
You summoned the army of the Dead.

LEGOLAS  
You harnessed the power of Anduril.

GANDALF  
You led the Fellowship after my fall.

ÉOMER  
More to the point, you just got my sister and Faramir to make up. If that isn’t great leadership, I don’t know what is!

ÉOWYN  
Why I oughta…actually, he’s right.

FARAMIR (takes ÉOWYN in his arms)  
I agree. You got us to work together.

ARAGORN looks at the two of them, around at his friends, then back to FARAMIR and ÉOWYN.

ARAGORN  
…all right. I’ll be king.

EVERYBODY smiles; HOBBITS and LEGOLAS cheer.

ARAGORN  
…but only if all my friends help me. I’ll need all of you. A king is only as good as his weakest servant.

GANDALF (looks at PIPPIN)  
In that case, we’re doomed.

EVERYBODY laughs; PIPPIN sulks.

ARAGORN  
Now, everyone! Let’s return to Minas Tirith! My coronation is tomorrow!

“GET ME TO THE CROWN ON TIME”  
(tune: “Get Me to the Church on Time” from My Fair Lady)

FRODO: In just a few more hours  
New history’ll be made.  
A few more hours  
And you’ll be on your way.

ARAGORN  
I’m going to be Elessar, King of Gondor, in the short span of time of just a few more hours…  
(sings) They’re gonna king me in the morning,  
An’ Gondor’s bells are gonna chime.  
All attend and mark! I will be your monarch!  
Just get me to the crown on time!  
I gotta be there in the morning  
Spruced up and lookin in my prime  
You all have saved me  
Now I better bathe me  
And get me to the crown on time!

GIMLI: If gulls are wailing, shoot Leggy down.  
He won’t be sailing; he’s going to town!

ARAGORN: For they’re gonna king me in the morning,  
An’ Gondor’s bells are gonna chime.  
Dwarves, Men, and elveses  
Should prepare themselveses  
To get me to the crown, get me to the crown,  
Be sure an’ get me to the crown on time!

ALL: They’re gonna king me in the morning,  
An’ Gondor’s bells are gonna chime.

ARAGORN: Push me an’ nag me, pull me an’ drag me

ALL: But get me to the crown on time!  
I gotta be there in the morning  
Spruced up and lookin in my prime

ARAGORN: Put me in fetters! Don’t write me love letters!

ALL: And get him to the crown on time!

FARAMIR: By sun’s next setting, you shall be king

ÉOWYN: I want a wedding, a golden ring (FRODO freaks out a bit)

ALL: For they’re gonna king me in the morning,  
An’ Gondor’s bells are gonna chime.

ÉOMER: Day’s breakin’ real fast  
Forth Eorlingas!

ALL: Get him to the crown  
Get him to the crown  
Be sure an’ get him to the crown on time!

GANDALF: Everyone’s heading to the square now,  
Hoping their king they soon shall spy.  
A proclamation,  
Then a celebration,  
Now go my friend,  
Give your best try… (ALL exit but ARAGORN)

ARAGORN: They’re gonna king me in the morning,  
An’ Gondor’s bells are gonna chime.  
Hail and salute me  
Then haul off and boot me  
An’ get me to the crown,  
Get me to the crown,  
For Gondor, get me to the crown on time…

END MUSICAL NUMBER


	11. Act Two, Scene Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two days and counting to Aragorn's coronation, and nothing is going right. He's scared, Legolas is hyper, the hobbits have formed a satirical conspiracy, and Eowyn and Faramir are having relationship trouble. On top of all this, everyone is singing rewritten musical songs!

Scene 6: In Which There Is Much Rejoicing

BAG END. FRODO closes the Red Book.

FRODO  
…and with that, we all returned to Minas Tirith, where Aragorn was crowned king. I believe you all can see the coronation elsewhere, so that’s the end of the story.

SAM  
Now, now, Mr Frodo! That’s not quite fair!

FRODO  
What’s not fair? They can read about the coronation, or they can watch it. I don’t need to tell them.

MERRY (his head appearing above SAM’s)  
But you left out the best part!

FRODO  
Best part? What’s the best part?

PIPPIN (above MERRY)  
The parade, of course!

FRODO  
Ah, yes… the parade…Yes, that does merit telling…

Abrupt scene change to FIELD.

“SEVENTY-SIX ELF HARPS”  
(tune: “Seventy-Six Trombones” from The Music Man)

FRODO: Seventy-six elf harps led the big parade  
With a hundred and ten dwarf horns right behind  
When the king came into his own  
He ascended his new throne,  
With friends of every shape and kind.  
Seventy-six elf harps played so flawlessly  
While a hundred and ten dwarf-horns filled the score.  
Everybody went ooh and ahh  
As the orchestra  
Played the songs of Mr Howard Shore…  
He proceeded through his city and they cheered proudly  
Applauding, applauding, full of mirth and bliss  
Everybody celebrated so loudly  
They were heard even in Imladris!  
We all walked behind him as his train of attendants  
Applauding, applauding, crying out with cheer  
Legolas began to cry  
Gimli hit him, my oh my  
And then Éowyn kissed Faramir!

ALL: Seventy-six elf harps did glissando scales  
With a hundred and ten dwarf-horns, all they’re worth  
To the rhythm of thrum, thrum, thrum,  
Pippin got to beat the drum,  
And they marched throughout Middle-earth  
And they marched  
Through  
Out  
Middle-earth!!!!!

END MUSICAL NUMBER

CURTAIN CALL

ALL EXTRAS bow at once

IORETH, HERBMASTER, ORC CAPTAIN, HERALD bow individually then together

ARWEN, ELROND bow individually, then together

ÉOMER, GANDALF bow individually, then together

ALL HOBBITS bow individually, then together

ÉOWYN, FARAMIR bow individually, then together

LEGOLAS, GIMLI bow individually (GIMLI bows, LEGOLAS curtsies)

ARAGORN joins them, bows, all 3 bow

ALL bow together.


End file.
